United Press Corporation
(Tales of Mayhem Division)


"Wings baby, wings!"

That was how reporter Stan Longfroth of The Daily Weekly summed up 
yesterday's events:

Doug Strandler, former Chief Document Prep-man at United Press Corporation, 
went on an uncontrolled killing spree yesterday in Custody - the new town that 
was built to house the new jail facilities in which Bratsworth Engineering 
(UK Division) CEO Grant Tribucco is currently serving an unspecified length jail term.

Apparently, Strandler was distraught over his recent termination from United 
Press Corporation (All Divisions) - which came about because of Strandler's 
unforgivable error of allowing useless security formatting sequence coding to 
show up in published documents.

Strandler was first seen on the outskirts of Custody, near the part of town 
where the kids usually play ball on Saturdays.  He was, as witnesses stated, 
"kinda like, weird, you know".  Others stated [Strandler] was "actin' like one a 
them guys on 'The 'SIS'..." (Ed note: how the 3-dot ellipsis was actually 
verbalized is unknown at this time).

"The 'SIS", as it turns out, is a euphemism for the now illegal* substance 
known by the trademarked name, ZARSISIPAN (TM) - according to street 
bum Lou.

The Daily Weekly ran into Lou while looking for sidewalk bums (apparently, Lou 
just happened to be away from his "street" home at the time visiting a 
"sidewalk" friend in the lower East side of Custody, and thus, was mistaken 
for the "sidewalk" variety bum; much to his chagrin).  We approached Lou and 
asked him if we could ask him some questions.  He replied "What the f_ck now?", 
which in the language of the street (and in some places, the sidewalk) means: 

   "Welcome friends, come into my humble place of residence and speak at 
    length about matters of the heart, mind, soul and issues troubling modern 
    man in the 21st century, especially those issues which have something to do 
    with crime in this new city we call Custody"

After that, we got really bored with Lou, and decided to go back to the office 
and get some chicken wings.  And anyway, there wasn't much else to report 
because we were really hungry, and Lou kind of stunk.  And besides, what sort 
of pretentious bastard says that he can tell us about "issues troubling modern 
man in the 21st century" anyway!?  This butt crack lives on the f_cking 
SIDEWALK after all!  Whatever...!  (Ed note: Lou lives on the "street", not the 
"sidewalk")

So like, the chicken wings kicked ass completely, and we sat around in a semi-
flatulent state for a bit, then went home.  The Daily Weekly rules man!  (Ed 
note:  The Daily Weekly assumes no responsibility for the quality of said 
chicken wings, flatulence, or ruling).

Oh yeah, Doug Strandler was found dead next to the fountain in Hansbury Park 
with an unintelligible note attached that read:

   "I am on ZARSISIPAN.  I went on a killing spree, then ended up dead by 
    this fountain.  Andrew Doznickitowskii and "the boys" killed Gabrielle 
    Callcutta.  Leo Shlacappigus and Grant Tribucco are one in the same, and 
    Guy Johnson is not dead.  And security formatting sequence coding DOES 
    make a difference Godammit!"

Police were neither informed nor awakened from their respective slumbers 
regarding this matter though, since Strandler isn't actually "wacky" (or a 
man for that matter**).  Oh yeah, and he didn't actually kill anyone 
either***.  And while it's possible he was indeed "wacked", we have 
no proof or evidence.  In fact, we have no idea what happened at all.  
We are certain however, that those were some tasty f_ckin' wings 
brother, T A S T Y wings!

(Ed note: We would apologize for our apparent "misinformation", or lack 
thereof, but we don't wanna!  Besides, the headline got you to read the 
article, didn't it!?  And as we say every month here at the Daily Weekly, every 
reader counts as one more potential Daily Weekly weekly reader, who could 
become a Daily Weekly weekly subscriber, or better yet, a monthly Daily Weekly 
subscriber, or maybe even a yearly Daily Weekly subscriber with special monthly 
Daily Weekly annual bi-monthly year end weekly (bi-annually by month) summaries 
of the monthly, weekly and daily news you expect from us here at the Daily 
Weekly - publishing every week, daily for enough months to make up several 
years; even if we only published The Daily Weekly bi-monthly!)


Stan Longfroth - The Daily Weekly
(a subdivision of United Press Corporation (Tales of Mayhem Division)) 

(Ed note: I prefer to be called Edward, however, Felix will do in a pinch!)


* ZARSISIPAN isn't illegal, but our subscriber base is really low.

** Ok, he is a man

*** as far as you know