United Press Corporation (Lead Story Division) ]] Open-class document - level 0 security sequenced text [[ . Bratsworth Engineering (UK Division) CEO Grant Tribucco was jailed today in a town recently shaken by the death of former Zartocksic industries Acting President and CEO Gabrielle Callcutta (and a 2.7 magnitude earthquake) - found dead of unknown causes in a dumpster by that adorable 2 bedroom on 3rd yesterday. Unconfirmed reports confirm that Calcutta (56) was to be brought into Tribucco's company as chief financial advisor following rumors that arch rival Leo Shlacappigus, V.P. of Ingosplat Technologies failed to acquire Calcutta in an ugly bidding war between Ingosplat and Bratsworth last week. These two leading high tech giants have quite the combative history, and it is likely that their numerous failed attempts at any sort of harmony between them may have lead to the extreme pampering and cajoling of Calcutta - treatment that caused undue stress on the uninitiated former janitor. As a result, police haven't ruled out "natural causes" as the culprit in Calcutta's unexplained departure from this world. However, as a precaution, and knowing of the bitter hatred and uncooperative natures of Tribucco and Shlacappigus (and the fact that Mr. Tribucco fired several shots at police when they came to question him - particularly after they inquired about the current "state of war" between Tribucco's Bratsworth Engineering and Shlacappigus' Ingosplat Technologies), Tribucco was taken into Custody (the new town built to house the jail facilities). Upon his arrival in Custody, but before he was put in the actual jail, Mr. Tribucco was allowed to speak to the press that were gathered there, saying: "Lousy dumb muther f*cking brainless limp-dicked... This is so f*cking... I can't... WON'T... My God MAN, Bratsplat Enginologies IS REAL! Don't you people SEE THIS!?!? Leo and I, we..." ...Tough words from a tough man, thought the crowd as little Bobby Fornickerby rode away quietly on his brother's 10 speed back to his house on 3rd and Main, and officer Yitties clubbed Tribucco on the head with a satisfying "THUMP"! Following this public display, several attempts were made by the press to reach Tribucco's evil nemesis Leo Shlacappigus in hopes that he might have some information about Calcutta's untimely death. But any and all phone calls were rebuffed by Shlacappigus' answering service - saying something about a "stockpile of evidence" that would clear Tribucco's "good name". Experts agreed this was nothing more than a sad attempt at corporate espionage by Shlacappigus to further drag chief competitor Tribucco's name through the mud. "It's the utterly transparent Kick 'em when they're down ploy", said reporter Stan Longfroth of The Daily Weekly. Some time later though, Don Felo, spokesperson for the county coroners office, uncovered cryptic messages [in 3 boxes of paperwork and photos handed to him by Leo Shlacappigus' lawyers and several private investigators involved in the Calcutta case] of partnerships and mergers citing an amicable relationship with Tribucco dating back to the early days of Ingosplat Technologies and Bratsworth Engineering, all notarized and witnessed by several top political officials; gun shot wound evidence (including all involved weapon's serial numbers), expert ballistic reports confirming multiple gunshot and stab wounds as the cause of death, stabbing charts demonstrating knife velocities, points of penetration and sharpness scales; witness profiles, and graphs containing detailed diagrams of the murder scene; home video taken from two different cameras showing the murder in glorious VHS color (although the lighting from Herrold Glibshtat's camera could have been a bit better); about 15 snapshots taken by local photographers clearly showing Andrew Doznickitowskii and "the boys" mercilessly stabbing and shooting Mr. Calcutta, even audio cassettes of the entire murder; not to mention Andrew Doznickitowskii's signed confession of the crime. Police were hoping they might glean some small detail about the murder case from this so called "evidence", but the day ended in bitter disappointment as the contents of the boxes yielded nothing but unrelated drivel. At press time, reporters were still left with no answers, so they went home. |
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