- Associated Press -


Gabrielle Callcutta former acting President and CEO of Zartocksic Industries 
was found dead this morning in a dumpster by that cute little house on the 
corner of 3rd and Main.  You know the one with the pink fringe and the lovely 
window treatments.

The house, built in the late 60's was certainly not an engineering feat of it's 
day, but more likely quite atypical of such a wonderful decade.  With it's 
lovely, lush green lawn, neatly trimmed bushes and painted picket fence, this 
two bedroom, two bath home is perfect for any first time buyer.  Except for the 
dead body in the dumpster next to it.

Callcutta, recently hired by Bratsplat Enginologies, which is a weird mixture 
of two completely different companies, was apparently stabbed seventeen times 
in the right shoe.  This, however, did not kill him since he was wearing a shoe 
two sizes too large to fit his toe, er... foot.  Anyway, he was severely 
beaten, shot in the arms and in the back with several rounds fired from several 
different caliber guns.  According to Don Felo, spokesperson for the county 
coroners office the cause of death is still unknown.  Felo commented by saying, 
"we still are not sure how he died."  An unidentified source from the coroners 
office said, "we think he is dead and that he was probably killed by foreign 
people, uh, objects... oh, sh*t nevermind."  Foul play is suspected.

The death of Callcutta, who was hired as the chief financial advisor, leaves 
these completely separate companies at a loss for what was hoped to be their 
latest answer to many financial queries.

Former co-worker at Zartocksic Industries Andrew Doznickitowskii was shocked to 
hear the news that Callcutta had allegedly been killed.  "I am shocked to hear 
this news.  What are all you people doing in my house at four in the morning?  
Get out!  Get the f*ck out!" Doznickitowskii went on to explain that even 
though Callcutta went to work for a fierce competitor, there is no way anyone 
at Zartocksic Industries would have him killed and dump his body in a dumpster. 
"Not even a four year old, deaf, mute, bastard child boss with a raging temper 
and a leaky diaper could invoke such a beating, stabbing and shooting upon one 
stupid lovable janitor that me and the boys killed."  Police still have no 
leads.

Funeral services will be held at Lady of the Rosary Jewish Temple and 
Gentleman's Club every first Thursday of the month.  Bingo, cookies, strip 
poker and fun will be had by all after services.