Mergers and Acquisitions?

United Press Corporation
(Announcement Division)

Announcement to shareholders and other interested parties of:

Ingosplat Technologies
Bratsworth Engineering (UK Division)

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Begin announcement: (security clearance sequence R334625-AHP)
Document # 384-662B
[To shareholders / parties with interest / President / CEO / employees]
c/c Zartocksic Industries
M-Read level 2
type: all access document #384-662A and B type document access cleared
level: secure open sequence level announcement containing document level 6
--`B34gf55dfs (code coded R333U)
RR# 34B-883 SECURE SECURE2 seventh-level access (AHP approved)
Page access count 1 / cleared-all levels {document|announcement} go# 55G
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Begin scripted portion (type: ASCII set type 2):

It was announced Friday to the interested parties and shareholders, employees, 
President and CEO that on the heels of the announcement by Zartocksic 
industries of it's recent corporate shakeup at the corporate level, several 
positive changes are now occurring at both Ingosplat Technologies and Bratsworth 
Engineering (UK Division).

For starters, what industry experts once called "the two most fierce 
competitors of fine products for the home, field and some aquatic regions - 
EVER!" have announced a merger of sorts.  Beginning today, Ingosplat 
Technologies and Bratsworth Engineering (UK Division) are now going to occupy 
the same corporate offices together in the same building with each other, hand 
in hand, neighbors sharing the same location of occupancy at the same time.  
The corporate giants had apparently planned this merger of sorts (and 
companies) back in the heady days of Zartocksic industries Zarsisipan heyday.  
It was thought back then that a merger of sorts could indeed bring about great 
changes in the industry, as well as set things aflame at Zartocksic's 
headquarters, their corporate offices.

For years, rumors abounded that the V.P. of Ingosplat Technologies, Mr. Leo 
Shlacappigus and the CEO of Bratsworth Engineering (UK Division), Grant 
Tribucco had a deep hatred of each other's business practices, and had major 
disagreements over the way they each ran things in their respective companies.  
However, both men were in agreement over what they considered to be grave 
errors in marketing and product clearancing that Zartocksic industries was able 
to get away with with their top selling product, Zarsisipan (and to a lesser 
degree, their all purpose Zarsisilube Baconlube Motor Treatment).

Many well known and respected men in the industry also speculated for years 
that the two men, and indeed the two companies, were actually working together 
all along, with Ingosplat Technologies concentrating on the North American 
business, and Bratsworth Engineering (UK Division) heading up the European 
efforts.  Rumors to this effect began when Grant Tribucco (CEO of Bratsworth 
Engineering (UK Division)) stated in a press conference on the European 
announcement of the eminent release of the great-StEeL EURO-rEaPeRs- (TM) [a 
product which, by the way, has yet to see the light of day in Europe] stated to 
the crowd of reporters:

    "I keep telling you people, Ingosplat Technologies and Bratsworth 
     Engineering (UK Division) are the same Goddamned company!"

He went on to say:

     "...I don't know how else to say this to you idiots!  SAME COMPANY!  SAME 
     COMPANY!  Ingosplat does North America, we do Europe!  Is this thing on!?  
     Is this getting through to you f*cking dumb muther f*ckers yet!?!!"

Needless to say there was quite a hubbub amongst the European reporters after 
Tribucco's vague and misleading comments were made.  However, despite the 
uncertain meaning of his words, experts began to link the two companies together 
shortly thereafter.

And when confronted in front of his North American corporate offices with what 
many thought of as unfounded, complete nonsensical fairy tales, Leo 
Shlacappigus of Ingosplat Technologies was quoted as saying:

     "I told you numb-headed jack-holes 14 times already, Grant and I are like 
     BROTHERS!  Our companies share ALL their resources and shipment centers.  
     We can be reached at the same goddamned 800 number for Christ' sake!  
     What's wrong with you people!?!  Have you no ears to hear?! No eyes to 

The hushed crowd of North American reporters began theorizing on the meaning of 
Mr. Shlacappigus' words - quickly publishing wild tales with headlines like 
"Never, EVER Partners" and "Two Separate Businesses - Forever" to a thoroughly 
skeptical North American public - very similar in fact to those reports 
published in Europe regarding Bratsworth.

However, today both men were oddly standing together - some say for the first 
time ever.  They were there to make an announcement of sorts, which began with 
Grant Tribucco saying:

     "Today, Leo Shlacappigus and I would like to make it known, for the final 
     time, that we have ALWAYS been, and will CONTINUE to be business partners 
     forever.  From day one we've worked as a team, Leo in North America and 
     myself in Europe.  We were never two companies.  Always the same; 
     different divisions is all.  Still linked as one, sharing resources, 
     production costs, shipping centers, distribution channels.  EVERYTHING.  
     Where you lunk-heads got the idea we were separate is beyond us.  Dumb-
     muther f*ckers is what I say.  D-U-M-B  as shit, BASTARD ass lickin'     
     fools.  Arghh.... [mumble mumble] ...cock suckin... [mumble] *#@%..."

Shortly after, Leo Shlacappigus added (as if to further mystify the confused 

     "...ahh, you'll have to excuse Grant, he's a bit peeved that you pie-heads 
     can't seem to get it through your melon-lined brains that Ingosplat 
     Technologies and Bratsworth Engineering (UK Division) are now, and 
     forever, joined together like a couple a' malformed Siamese twins.  We're 
     only making this announcement as a last ditch effort to get the point 
     across to you people of our LIFE-LONG BOND.  And in the hopes of making it 
     unquestionable and clear to you cluster f*cks, we're changing our name to 
     "B R A T S P L A T - E N G I N O L O G I E S".  Is this getting through 
     yet?!  Do I need to carve it into your f*cking SKULLS you lolly-lipped 

Later in a confused press room, documents were released that described 
personnel changes at the two companies, most notably the addition of Gabrielle 
Callcutta (former Acting President and CEO of Zartocksic industries) as 
chief financial advisor to the pair of technology leading companies, and 
several former Zartocksic industries researchers who at their request, remained 
nameless (ed: not to mention HANDLESS!).  At press time, it was unclear which 
of the two companies had hired them, and neither Mr. Callcutta nor the 
researchers had anything to say to reporters (their reasons were unclear).  
However experts are confident that their silence may have been forced on them 
to squelch rumors of how these new staff members will be split between the two, 
fierce industrial rivals...

No one at Zartocksic industries could be reached for comment, most likely due 
to their recent FDA troubles, and the pending lawsuit between Ingosplat 
Technologies, Bratsworth Engineering (UK Division) and Zartocksic industries 
over what many say is a disagreement with the worldwide production rights to 
produce Zarsisipan worldwide.

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