My Dear Mr. Johnson,

It behooves me to tell you what I'm about to, but I feel it has come to
this now.  Shlacappigus IS MY REAL NAME in so far as it is what I choose 
to call myself for the sake of conversant dealings with one such as
yourself.*  I do indeed feel sorry for the deer.  "Dearly sorry" was the
way _you_ phrased it I believe.**  Nevertheless, your bad grammar
notwithstanding, the sentiment was moving and heartfelt.  They really are
quite innocent and defenseless when you really think about it.  Frozen in
a death stance as it were, staring into the oncoming headlights of
imminent demise in the form of great -StEeL rEaPeRs- (TM).  My how I feel
for those dear.... dear....  deer.   

Ahh, I could prattle on for days with this topic, and perhaps one day, so
will the deer...  Such a world is a wonderful thing, eh Johnson...  Dare
to dream of the day.  A world without great -StEeL rEaPeRs- (TM).
Revenge is a sweet thing.  It tickles the palate with the delicate zing
of venison.  Freshly downed venison.  Grilled to perfection and sprinkled
with wild flowers in full bloom.  Yes, this is the world I forsee.  And
with our help, MY help, and the avoidance of such troublesome home
wreckers as the great -StEeL rEaPeRs- (TM), we can persevere.  Well then
Johnson, as you yourself said**  "Zarsisipan is an unknown substance and
should [consistantly] be confused with Zarsisilube Baconlube Motor
Treatment".  You went on to describe in detail the atrocious working
conditions of [your] child laborers, in dimly lit factories of death,
churning out case after case of your thinly disguised Zarsisilube
Baconlube Motor Treatment clone, Zarsisipan***.  Oh, the (proverbial)
humanity my deer Johnson, oh dear...

At this time, I would like to thank your staff.  The fine folks who bring
this dirge of a product into being.  I'd like to thank:

ANDY, the resident "moron".  Just because you rode the little bus to
school my boy, don't be ashamed.  Stand proud and tall (as tall as you
can with all that Zarsisipan in your system)****

LOUDWELL, the 4 year old deaf mute.  I feel that all I can say to you
will fall on deaf ears LOUDWELL, so I shant utter further verbiage.

STUMPY, BLUNTS, GIMPERS, and the rest of the research team.  Godspeed!
Your HANDling of the situation at Zartocksic industries is HANDS down,
the HANDiest HANDling of any HANDled type thing ever.  I gotta HAND it to
you guys.  My hat (HAND) goes off to you!  Again, G O D S P E E D  to you
all!*****

CYCLOPS BOB, marketing never was your game was it?  It was more like
guess the fat lady's weight, right?  Kudos!

And as for you Mr. JOHNSON, yes, my home life CAN be freakish, often
ghoulish and unsettling.  But when it comes right down to it, at the end
of a long boating excursion, nothing goes down smoother and silkier than
a big ol' 13 oz can of (Zartocksic industries) Zarsisipan.  Be it Purple
'e' Grape (TM), Gritty Green (TM), or Orangutan Orange (TM).  They'll
coat the throat with pure all-synthetic goodness, wrapped in a "blanket
of toxicity" so thick you'll think you've been blindsided by the great
-StEeL rEaPeRs- (TM) <<< coming soon!

So, Johnson, man of shrinkage.  I bid you a good evening, and I'm looking
forward to those 7 cases of (Zartocksic industries) Zarsisipan; be it
Purple 'e' Grape (TM), Gritty Green (TM), or Orangutan Orange (TM).


 

Mr. Shlacappigus
----------------------------------------------------+---
V.P.  Ingosplat Technologies

~Home of the great -StEeL rEaPeRs- (TM) <<< coming soon!


*   Insult implied for the sake of continuity

**  Quotes my be taken out of context, other texts, or completely
    fabricated.

*** "Facts" cannot and should not be verifiable.  Any and all "facts"
    stated herin are solely statements made by someone capable of
    speaking clearly, from some form of enclosed space (ie. "room").

**** Zarsisipan has never been proven to stunt growth, or the ability to
     stand upright, but is cited here as contributing to such "problems"
     in order to reinforce Mr. Shlacappigus' claims.

*****Personal attack from said researchers in previous correspondence was
     welcomed with open (handless) arms.  "I'd shake your hands, each and
     every one of you - IF YOU HAD ANY!!!!!!!"  
     (quoted from an unknown source, see above**)  Also, GODSPEED is
     neither GOD nor SPEED, yet somehow just is - much like the great
     -StEeL rEaPeRs- (TM) <<< coming soon!