DEEP THOUGHTS (3) - by Jack Handey

Where do people go when they die? I think they go to Aunt Myrna's house,
because if I were dead I'd go there.
If pigs could fly would people eat them? I don't think so, because you'd
have to remove all those feathers.
Whenever I see dew I think it's from the elves crying, then I ask "why are
the elves crying?", they get all the gold they want. Man, I hate those
When I was young my father told me not to talk to strangers, so I killed
him, because, hey, we're all strangers on the inside.
My Mom used to laugh all day, until she fell down the stairs and broke her
I used to hate my sister, but now I love her. I guess marriage will do
The tiny man walked up to God and asked, "How big is the universe?".  God
stretched out his hands and said "this big." then his hands kept on going
until his arms popped out of their sockets.
I think a funny thing to do if you go to heaven is to ask "Is this Hell?",
and when they say "no" act all disappointed.
Why do so many people die? If I was God I'd kill the person who invented
When I see a fork I think of fear. This could be because both words start
with the letter "f", or it could be because my brother was killed with a
If you're ever in a graveyard I think a funny thing to do is to lay down
and pretend you're dead, because maybe someone will come along and bury
Every time I go outside I think of how wonderful it is being alive; then I
go hunting.
If I had a daughter I'd name her "Deaf", that way when people came up to
her they'd ask "Are you Deaf?" and she'd say "Yes".
When I see the moon I like to think that God lives there, along with
I don't know why people yell at each other, we should find a better way to
settle our differences - like fist fighting.
That morning Marta asked me if I thought there was life on other planets.
I asked her how she thought cereal could get way up there, and she
laughed, so I hit her.
I think one of the tests for becoming President should be operating a hand
blender, because dogs can't operate hand blenders - and we don't want dogs
to take over the country!
Make up is like a mask, except it isn't as scary.
If water is 90% of our planet, then why don't fish rule the world?
If grass could talk, mowing the lawn would be like capital punishment.
While Marta looked over the edge of the cliff she said she was so high she
felt like she could fly. I pushed her over the edge, and she couldn't.
Guess she won't be so quick to judge next time.
If anyone I know ever got possessed by Satan I'd pretend not to notice,
and Satan would get all mad and leave. If that didn't work I'd shoot him.
I bet primitive tribes used to think a solar eclipse was a giant
swallowing the sun; or an occurrence caused by an orbiting moon blocking
the path of light from the center of the solar system.  Boy, those tribes
had a lot to learn!
A good TV show would be about people who share an apartment, and all the
funny adventures they have in daily life. Also, they all have the Black
One thing that separates modern man from our ancestors is the fact that we
live in big tall buildings, and they only lived in short ones.
If aliens ever land on Earth I think we should teach them to tap dance,
and then put them on Broadway - because, hey, who wouldn't want to see tap
dancing aliens?
I don't think I'm alone in fearing that one day the dinosaurs will come
back to reclaim the world.

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, why not burn him at the stilts.  It
would probably last longer, and the guy could move around.

If there is a meal called brunch, why isn't there one called lupper or
even linner?

Question: Why are fish so healthy?  Answer: Because they eat fish.

Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we
notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is  how we
do this every night.

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what
else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth,
and it can kill you if you disobey it.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even
if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're
talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it
was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm,
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we
should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan
that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to
laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet
that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says
something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?"
or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder
weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could
shoot beer out of you nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks
at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not
Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their
pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket beds with my
name on it.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings.  But
what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap,
an Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw
one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid
war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I
am now.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and
kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck
in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on
water skis! How do they do that?!
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a
regular window.
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell
him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and
take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy
garbage guy.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow?
It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type
of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because
that really annoys me.
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading a magazine.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed
me a lot of money".
Whenever I need to "get away", I just get away in my mind. I go to
my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect
and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies.
They're terrible!
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute,
then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's
asking the questions?
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look
out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain
ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling."
It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of
wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and
prejudices and just laugh at people.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the
ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell
you this, but that's another weakness.
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while?
Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats
leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife,
that's all I have to say.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it
necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have
a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when
they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door
and there's the monster, sound asleep.
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every
week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY,"
but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant
in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you
didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or
changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS
that guy?!
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk,
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big
rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite
kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you
taught him.
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about
how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood
that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're
in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone
gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the
summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a
big bag of blood.
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't
sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's
their way of letting off stress.
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,
"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get
real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT
dork!" and point to another father.
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of
questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good
way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how
the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you
up a wall.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there
would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we
would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live
there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it,
because do you hide from it or not?
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to
land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over
their lip!
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most
beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a
jellyfish with long, blond hair.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's
round metal hat.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually
flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working
together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a
big field full of holes?
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's
a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you
said `inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could
get out of it.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are
looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never
find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The
book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end,
there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I
was thinking about doing that anyway.
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was
the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he
just didn't know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was
the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. "THAT'S MISTER
SWENSON," they said. Oh, my mistake.
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a
feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an
honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of
all, did I say it was a poison feather?
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for
treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond
memories they were creating.
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he
put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my
home planet.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization
and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this
isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like.
Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL
civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an
impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens
as they're waving good-bye.
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch
mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out
his Adam's apple!
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to
do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well,
technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just
said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet
the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

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