DEEP THOUGHTS (2) - by Jack Handey

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in
Holland on vacation in winter and someone said, "Lassie, go skate for
help," she could do it.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them
is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri
thought back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air
conditioning", he thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip
marks on his legs, chest, and groin area.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then
he kicked me, then he punched me again.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess
that's what I hated about him.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going
to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you,
may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would
start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you
could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would
get a good laugh.

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an
arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is
like the top thing you can do.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on
walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come
sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of
the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese?
They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it
they want to know?

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any
other.  I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole
a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire.  When the
police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I
have a lot to learn.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably
just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious
people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as
their mascot.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was
coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?"
"Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that
uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy
space helmet.  You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and
make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at
inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I
thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees
something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when
I felt the handcuffs go on.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk
around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was
fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I
said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick
insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth
like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I
didn't say it was an interesting story.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he
gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you
want to study the brain.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures.  They're
sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and
round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew
marks in the shape of continents.

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they
can't hypnotize you.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and
cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person
open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't
a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or
something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes
enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but
with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they
wouldn't eat as much.

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are
going to have fun with this thing.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it
Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is
not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other
hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the
trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like
people to do what I say.

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels",
because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and
go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you,
the Prince of Weasels."

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how
much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think
you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten
the dogs.

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I
don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown,
because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to
speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't
stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's
probably the first sign of jungle madness.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then,
later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big
fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are
good cigars!"

If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man,
they're gone.

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just
slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of
people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you
could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the
professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do
you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them
'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we
all be brothers?

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and
catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;
that's my point.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we
can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible
Scary Skeletons.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never
known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and
bitter.  Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know
sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know,
most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to
laugh. Girls are funny.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack
of wild dogs.

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from
a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't
get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose
your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes
a big Hawiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they
thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you
start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and
chases you...

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they
forget the negative side, which is the preening.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will
someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be
acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal,
trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with
no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no
civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I
think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway?
And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the
driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the
head by a bolt.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think,
"Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car
parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS
LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a
childish thing to do. She said, "Well, maybe," Man, whose side is she on,

Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with
my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber
manta-ray helmet, I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for
myself, or do they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see
that I forgot to put on my pants.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who
hears me, because I am beautiful.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a
fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against
him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very
large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And
if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you
mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of
potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the
floor.  "Sorry," he said with a smile.

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the
sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our
house.  And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall
around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a
hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably
be proud to be sprayed by one.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear
over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all
the stuff that comes flying out.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I
can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that
granted me all those wishes.

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien,
I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?"
When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should
make you feel that way.

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up
high behind you to keep people from following too close.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a
chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh
boy!  I'm going insane again.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
considered an enemy planet.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
stranger.  He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
treasure.  I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.  Some of us
have a plane to catch, you know."  He started telling his story, about the
treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long."
But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is
getting long."  But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You
know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was
about, but there was a good movie on the plane.  It was a little long,

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch
your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion.  Truth is real.  And, at the
same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some
things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth to

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and
crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the
kid could put it on and really scare you.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the
back and said, "Hey, good job."

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